Oh No
by slowlysinkinggg
Summary: Story starts right after the Season 2 Episode 10 kiss. I AM a Braille shipper, however I don't think that is the way I will go with this story. CONTAINS STRONG MATERIAL!
1. Chapter 1

A.N. I am new at this so be gentle.

I was so sure what I was doing was right I didn't realize how it could be wrong. Brandon pulled away from my lips to take a breath and that's when reality hit me. I couldn't believe what I did. "Wow", he says. I interlock my fingers and stare at my knees thinking 'maybe if I wish hard enough I will wake up and this will only be a dream'. He moves his shoulder a little and starts to tap his foot. This isn't a dream I can't wake up from. I don't know how I feel; if I did what was right. I was getting over this. This toxic love I have. He sucks you in. I have the will power to resist it; to resist him. The situation has changed. This whole adoption of mine has completely changed. Did I want it to? Was I subconsciously wishing he didn't sign the papers? Why am I so messed up?

He touches my knee, almost as he is pushing me to say it. To say I love him, it would break me. I would be just like Alice going down the rabbit hole falling until I realize I was better letting go. I stand up. The breath that is stuck inside my chest won't come out, it's tied down by a thousand bricks. I pinch myself. I gasp. 'Breath you idiot' I think to myself. "Callie, what just happened? Not literally, because I can give a good description. But what happened between us? I still..." he tries. I am shivering now. It was supposed to rain today. Why isn't it raining? Give me a reason to go inside and hide from my thoughts, my feelings. God, make it rain. "B B B Bran nd ndon…. l l l li lis listen… t ta ta to… m m me", barely making it out of my mouth, "D d don't". Almost as if someone read my mind, lightening went of in the distance catching Brandon's attention and I went in the side door of the house.

I walked so fast I was out of breath by the time I found a closet in the library off to the side of the living room. I shut the door and hunched over so I could catch my breath. Why I am I running? I care for him I know I do. But did I want that to happen? There is a reason I have been distancing myself from him. Calling him my brother is so devastating to me. I was my best self when I loved him. But I was the worst person to myself when I couldn't have him. Telling myself everyday 'it's your fault, everything is always your fault'. I can't handle this emotion I am feeling. I want to hide from myself. How long have I been in here? Nobody has looked for me yet but then again this house is huge. God, my life would have been so different. Stop thinking about that you are never going to live here. Think about what he did to your mother! Could you forgive someone like that? Your mom probably never did. Don't think about that. You were just starting to think positive thoughts again don't put your mind there.

My butt is starting to hurt from sitting in this closet corner. I pull out my phone and turn it on. Damn, that screen is bright. Of course, there are 2 missed calls and a text from Brandon. I can't deal with him and this. I need to know what I feel right now and if it's a good feeling. Why am I so stupid? I hear something. You're thinking too much; you're starting to hear things. Then I shine my phone on the door knob and I can see it starting to turn.


	2. Chapter 2

I dreaded this. The awful moment when someone wakes you from your thoughts. The door creaked open revealing Brandon. There were tears starting to form in his eyes. No don't you dare cry at me. You don't get to cry. You were doing fine without me. Just fine! Don't beg me to say it. Those tears are pleading with him. I can't. He finds my face with his eyes. "Callie, people are looking for you.", he states. I nod my head and gradually stand up. I briskly walk by him and find the people waiting outside for me. Stef and Lena are there. "Hey hon, we couldn't find you. Where did you run off to?" Stef says. 'To kiss your son, to kiss my almost brother.' I think but those thoughts would never leave my mouth.

"I was in the bathroom. I don't feel very well. I think I did something, I mean ate something bad." I try, "Is there any way I can go home? I don't want to get sick in front of all these people". "Umm, sure. You just go wait in the car and I will talk to Robert." Lena says. I don't want to think about him. Anger, is what I feel about that man. I need to deal with the problem in front of me. Brandon. I turn around and there he is. "I will walk her to the car." Brandon says, finding Lena's face above my head. I walk past him. Why does he want to walk with me? He's going to talk to me. I can't have this conversation. I can't have these feelings. I grab my bag and jacket off the sofa in the living room. I reach in the side pocket. I feel it. I touch it. I know what it is. It's relief, it's the thing that's been keeping from losing my mind every time I see his face.

I open the front door of the house. We are outside now. The cool rain wind hits my throat. I can't breathe. I don't want to feel. I see him pass me and he is now in front of me. He stops. Oh shit. Here it comes. He turns. The ground looks so pretty. I can't bare to find his face. The pebbles are so different. "Callie" he says. Are they making a shape or were they carefully placed there. The colors are so mesmerizing. "Jesus, Callie will you look at me!" Brandon has desperation in his voice. I can hear it. I don't want to even analyze what he is thinking. My head hurts. I lift my head. He starts, "Can you talk to me? Please tell me what's going on. I need you. I need us. I can't begin to imagine life without you. Please I'm begging you, tell me you…". Stop. Stop. He doesn't need me no one needs me. What everyone needs is for this to stop. For me to not be an issue.

"I understand how you are feeling. I felt that too. But I felt it a long time ago. I don't know what I need. But I do know that I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I know that when you had your accident I had to pretend like it didn't feel like my heart stopped every time someone mentioned your name. I changed Brandon. I need to figure out if the feelings I had for you changed too." I explain. I need time to think about this. To think about what I've done. What I've unleashed. My heart and my eyes can't bare to scan his face looking for answers to all the many questions I know he has. Walking around him to get to the car I see his eyes soaked with disappointment. I open the car door and get in. Why is he disappointed? Did he really think I would just kiss him and everything would be fine? I guess so, that's exactly what I did. Gah, you're so stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

All these thoughts repeating in my mind. When I forgot to even ask myself, what do I want? I know what I need. I need to figure out if I still have feelings for him and why I did kiss him. But what do I want? Do I want to live with, ugh Him,? Or do I want to figure it out and stay with the life I have now? Never getting to call myself one of them. Never good enough to be the 'real' daughter. I know they will say I am, but let's be honest I will never believe it. I will always be the girl who couldn't get here feelings in check so that's why she isn't in the family Christmas card. I am woken from my trance of thoughts by everyone getting in the car. "Callie, are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? I explained to Robert that you weren't feeling well. He said it was perfectly understandable for you to go home. I'm sure Rita and the girls will understand." Stef explains as she gets into the driver's seat. "Oh okay. I just feel like I need to lay down." I look around and Brandon is getting in. "I thought you rode with the band. Don't you need to help them take everything down?". Brandon looks at my face as if he is trying to hint at me not to say what I just said. "Oh, Brandon helped the band a while ago. He helped them take it all down when you were in the bathroom sick" Mariana says winking at me. I don't think she knows what happens and I need to shut her down quickly but now is not the time. I turn back around in my seat and adjust my bag in my lap. Stef starts the car. I reach in the pocket in my jacket and grab my cellphone. I instantly go to my messages and text Mariana.

'Why did you just wink at me?'

'Cause I don't know where Brandon was. I thought he was with Lou. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.'

'Tell me what? I thought he wasn't into her?'

'I don't know if he is or not but I saw them kissing when I was passing by the garage the other night after taking out the trash.'

'Oh'

'Sorry'

'For what'

'I still kinda had hopes for you two. But I guess with the adoption going through, it really can't happen'

Damn Mariana knew how to hit all the right buttons like it was an occupation. He kissed Lou? I don't know if I'm happy or hurt. I want to ask him about it but it's not my place. How do you kiss someone when the lips they put on yours have just been on trash? I guess this gets our kiss off the hook? I lock my phone and look up. Thank God, we are home. But is this home? Is this where I want to be? Everyone piles out not saying much. The whole ride was quieter than usual. He gets out before me. I see him waiting for me. I'm the only one not out yet. I motion to get out of the car. He is standing in front of the door. "How do you feel?" Brandon says. Is this about him again? Or is he being, dare I say it brotherly? "Fine". I walk into the house and it smells vaguely of peppermint and cinnamon. Lena is staring at me. "Umm, I think I'm going to go lay down." I say. "Okay. I will wake you when we have dinner ready and see if you'd like to eat." Lena gestures me into a hug and I give her a hug then go up the stairs.

I reach the second floor. I am too tired to function and make rational decisions right now. I open the door to Mariana and I's bedroom. Throwing my bag and jacket on my bed, I then quickly change out of my dress into some old shorts and a big t-shirt and crawl into bed. I need to sleep off this stupidity.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. I AM a Braille fan, however, I don't know yet if that is the best approach for this story I am telling. Although this story is based off of characters on ABC FAMILYS THE FOSTERS I am taking my own approach with it. It should however follow the timeline. Strong content in this chapter!

My eyes are like pounds of bricks begging me to not open them. But I must. If I could sleep forever oh, that would be a dream. I open them and see darkness. The door is closed and I see Mariana in bed. She has been great to me since I've been here. I should be better to her. I will just add her to the list of people's lives I've messed up. I move quietly as possible and get out of bed. Grabbing my things I decide I need to take a shower. Ugh, I stink. I glance and no one is in the bathroom. Perfect. Oh my, the tile is cold. I close the door and sit down on the floor with my bag in hand. I find my cellphone, unlocking it to see the time alerting my face. It reads 1:16 December 9th. It is then when I am putting my phone back in my bag that my hand finds it again. Do I dare? Do I need to? I haven't in over a week. I'm doing well. Then my mind flashes back to 7 hours ago. I don't want to think about it. All I see are glances of tears and lips. Stop, thinking about him. You focus on you! I grab it. It's out of the bag, in my hand. I stare at it.

I need it. I need it. I stand up pushing my shorts down revealing my unimportant, unnoticeable, underwear. I grab some toilet paper. Sitting back down now. Do you really want to do this? Think about it. No don't. Go. Do it. I push it into the skin on my right thigh. Drag it. I did it. I do it 4 more times. I am cleaning up when it happens. It's the first time today. I feel it slide down my cheek. Why am I crying? It's not like someone else is doing this to me. I have made so many mistakes in the past this is how I take them. I deserve to feel this way. I do this for a reason, because I deserve it. I don't deserve anything but this. Dabbing them, waiting until they stop, the door opens. I almost don't have time to tell them I'm in here. But I do, it's Brandon. He doesn't look up. He's been staring at the floor in front of him. "Oh, sorry." He says covering his eyes. Oh shit. I pull up my shorts quickly and shove everything in my bag standing up. "Oh no, it's fine. I was about to leave anyway." I am talking so fast I feel like I'm going to faint.

He uncovers his eyes looking at me, "No you stay I was just going to wash my face. I can't sleep. I thought it might help. Stay." Is he going to talk to me about it? About the kiss? Did he see? Shit, shit, shit, did he see my thigh? "Umm, okay." I say. I'm covering my thigh with my hand as I sit back down on the cold tile floor. I'm watching him. He's got the water running. I'm guessing its hot water. The way he is so careful. He looks in the mirror and catches my eyes wandering over his. "What." He says. I shake my head slowly. He grabs a towel on the rack beside the sink and dries his face. He puts the towel back on the rack. "Do you mind?" He says gesturing towards the floor. Yes, yes I do. I was in the middle of something. I don't want to think about you. Every time I think about you I can't breathe and my soul is on fire. Don't try to save me. "Umm, go ahead. It's your house." I say. Brandon shakes his head and plops down next to me. We don't say anything. Just sit there for a second. I go to reach for my phone. I pick it up and before I can unlock it; Brandon, who must have been watching me, asks "What happened to your thigh? Callie you're bleeding." I turn and look at his eyes so filled with worry. Well Fuck.


	4. Chapter 4

A.N. I am going to try to update every day, only because I know I write small chapters. I am sorry for that but I just like that suspense I think it brings. Enjoy!

I looked at him. He knew. Or at least he thinks he does. "Callie?" He pleads. I don't know how to approach this topic. How to you tell your best friend something you know will crush them? How do I tell him that while he was smiling I was crying? "Brandon…" I start "Don't". I want to leave. I start to get up. He grabs my arm, gently pulling me back down. I look at his hand still on my arm. "Please, Callie tell me that you aren't." I can see his heart breaking right in front of me. I can see everything he used to be, everything we used to be. His eyes tell me that everything we were can never be. "Would you believe me if I said I wasn't?" Just then, his eyes shift from lost to confusion. I close my eyes to hear what I think will be a repercussion of all this. Instead, I feel his embrace around me and I give in. I fall into his arms like a kid in the hands of their mother. This is everything I need. This, this right here. This company. Snap out of it. He knows! He's never going to look at you the same way. He's always going to ask you the same question. 'Did you stop?' and I'll give you the same answer 'Yes' but we will lie to each other both knowing those are lies. He doesn't care if I've stopped and I know I haven't. I just want to stay here forever and never think about the outside world. The world that isn't in this embrace seems so uninviting to me.

"Is it because of me?" Brandon pulls away and looks at me in the eyes. Oh no. Don't look at me like that. Don't. Not those eyes. Please. My eyes go to the tile floor. The floor always seems to be my happy place. It helps me think, it helps me avoid questions like this one. No and yes, is the answer he wants. I can't give it to him. It comes with too many explanations. Yes, it's because of him. It's because of who I became without him. It's who I tried to be. It's seeing him so happy and seeing me go through just another thing on my 'worst things that have happened to me' list. But it's also not him. It's me. It's every little thing that has happened to me. It's my mom's death, it's Liam, its Wyatt, it's constantly not be happy. It's my messed up life that I caused. It's everything at once. I want to tell him all of this but I can't.

"Callie…do you remember the day we set on the bench outside the hospital after Lena lost the baby?" I nod at him. He continues "I told you that you never want to talk about things that are hard. That it doesn't make it hurt any less, it just hurts the people you shut out. Well, I don't want this to be like that again. Talk to me. Okay, tell me what's going on? How can I fix it? How can I fix this?" Okay, that's it. I can't handle him telling me how to deal with this. Why does he insist he can fix it? His hands are in my hands now. I look at them. I think about all the good that has happened because of these hands. These are the hands that touched my face in gentle kisses. But these are also the hands that caused me pain. The hands that were hurt and almost cost me his life. I don't want to lose these hands.

"Brandon." He looks up. Staring, waiting for me to continue. Begging me to continue – to say anything. "I want to answer your questions. But after I tell you the answers I want to plead with you not to say anything about it. You have to let me finish. Then we can talk. I need to tell you how I feel." He looks at me like I am a treat and he's a puppy begging to have what it wants. I don't know what I'm getting myself into but I know he deserves to have some answers. We all deserve answers. But I can't let him leave this bathroom thinking what he knows is about him. That will eat him up. I care too much about him to let him think that.


	5. Chapter 5

I need to tell him. I'm looking in those eyes that haunt my every day and I can't lie to him. Not again. "Brandon, first I want to say I'm sorry that you had to see what you did. It's not pretty and it's not something you asked to see." I swallow. He nods his head telling me to continue. "With that being said. No, it is not about you. It's about my life. The things I've done that have ended with me here in this bathroom, now talking to you. It's about Liam and the trial. But it's also about me not kissing my mom goodbye." It falls down my cheek. "It's about being in juvie twice and being in girls united. Although, I do love those girls and Rita, I wish I wouldn't have let my life get so out of hand and ended up there. It's about the twelve other foster homes I've been in. It's about being abused in all of them." What I'm about to say can't come any faster. The tears are rolling and it's hard for me to speak. I have to go slow. But I don't want him to interrupt me. "But, Brandon it's also about you. It's about going from a complicated friendship to an even more complex relationship. It's about loving you so much I couldn't be around you. It's about seeing you in that hospital bed and knowing my life was connected to yours. It's about seeing how easy it was for you with Lou. I wanted that for you." I feel him grip my hand squeezing it. I have to continue. I have to get it out. "Brandon, I love you. It was a toxic love. A love that still consumes every part of my bones. It consumes my soul. When I'm without you I feel my soul on fire. I don't know how to tell you this without sounding like a helpless girl but I still love you." My eyes were on his hands, god, those lovely hands. He lifts my chin up. I'm looking in his eyes now.

"Callie." He says. "There is more." I say sternly. I am pissed. I do still love him. I know that much but I don't think I'm in love with him. He has changed. I've changed. We aren't the same people we were six months ago. "Brandon, just because I tell you I love you doesn't mean everything can go back to the way it was. I changed Brandon. You know that, you've seen it firsthand." His head lowers and sadness crosses his face. "Listen. I don't deserve you. You don't deserve me. I'm bad for you. I've always been bad for you. I've made you do things like miss your audition and almost get killed. I am bad for you Brandon! You can't save me! I don't want to be saved!" I am screaming at him now and I'm pretty sure I am waking up the whole house but I am so pissed off at him right now I can't see straight. I love him I do but I fucking hate him. Thinking he can change me. I can't change. I am hopeless, helpless, and ugly. I can't do this anymore. I want to leave. I stand up. Looking down at him. He stands up. "What do you want me to say Brandon?" I say. "I want you to go back to the 'can't save you part'. What do you mean exactly?" He says. "I mean get me to stop. I can't stop. I deserve this! That's not what you get! I deserve to feel like this. I made you feel like that. I deserve to feel horrible. I deserve to die!" I fall to the ground on my knees. I am crying uncontrollably. I do deserve to die. I can't be here anymore. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. Why doesn't anyone just let me die?

Brandon is on the ground with me. I feel his arms wrap around me. I push him away. I think I'm having another panic attack. I can't breathe. "Callie, just breathe." He whispers. 'I deserve to die!' is all that is going through my mind. I can't think straight. "Breathe Cal. Breathe." Okay. Okay. Okay. He puts his arms around me. I don't resist this time. I feel his warmth. I take it in. I smell vaint sense of his cologne. I focus on that. Come on, breathe damn it. I know you can. Just fucking do it. I gasp. He sighs. I take a deep breathe inhaling his cologne. I missed that smell. It's hard to smell him from across the room. This brings back memories of us playing together. I miss that we used to be trusted alone together. God, I hate myself. I take another deep breathe. There is the cologne again. I can't keep bringing up my feelings for him and expecting him not to still want to be together. He is naïve. He thinks it can work now, because I'm not getting adopted. I want to believe that. I want to believe in us but I can't have my heart broken again. I am not even holding it together now. How do I keep putting myself in these situations?

I pull away from him. "You scared me Callie." He says. "Sorry." I shrug. I am unsure what to do next but Brandon does. "I'm glad you opened up to me. I know that must have been really hard for you to tell me all that. Callie, I will always love you no matter what. You know that. Well at least you should. I should've tried harder for us. I let you go and I know now that isn't what you needed. I will always want us to be together, always. But I..." Oh shit, here comes the butt. Wait. Why did I say 'oh shit'? Do I want us to be together? What if we are together and I keep doing it? Is he going to FORCE me to stop? What if I don't? What if I do? So many things are running through my head. He looks in my eyes. "But Callie I don't want to keep doing this to yourself. It isn't healthy." He says.

No matter what we have been through separately or together we always have this connection when we know something is wrong with the other. His face changes to confusion. "Brandon, I didn't suddenly become depressed and start doing this when we broke up. I can't tell you the last time I wasn't pretending to be happy. I was happier than I've ever been when we were together because what we have is real to me. I wanted to be honest with you then but I'm honest now. I can't tell you if we get together I will stop. If you love me when I'm happy, I'm scared you won't love me like this." I whisper. I'm scared Brandon will walk away again. He scoots back not even bothering to look at me and stands.


	6. Chapter 6

Brandon looks down at me as if to tell me 'stand up and kiss me you idiot'. I can't. Those eyes are desiring. They are calling me to him. I stand. Taking his hands in mine, I look at the scar that crosses his left hand. God, the pain this hand has caused me. I told him everything why isn't he running away. People always run away from me. He knows I love him but after what I just told him, does he love me? I can't even fathom a life where he isn't here. I am so messed up. I love him, but I say we can't be together. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Callie," he takes a breath. "I do love you. I love you even more now because you were honest with me. But I can't put you in that situation again. I can't have you constantly hurting yourself. I love you just how you are, sad and happy. I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did." My heart is in his hands right now and he is stabbing it with knives of the truth. I know that this will never work. We both don't deserve each other. He's always going to be too good for me. I'm always going to be like this. Never going anywhere. I can see him, miles away from me. He is distancing himself. I just want to walk over and tell him I will change for him, but I know that's just another pretty lie.

He tells me 'I love you' but he's just lying to himself. "You think you love me. You are just in love with a person you think you can change. I'm not some success story for you. I'm a person who you don't love. Nobody does." I say. I don't know where this comes from but I can see my words hurt. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of it. I can tell he is unsure of what to say next. I want to leave. I want to leave this bathroom, this life. But I have one more thing to say. "Brandon, maybe we can be together in the future or maybe this" I gesture to our bodies which are growing closer, "…maybe this is over. All I know is that you know the truth about me. I'm sorry you didn't find out sooner. Honestly, I wanted to tell you since that day we first kissed. I didn't know how to tell you. Then I was so blinded but my love for you my heart fooled my mind into believing this would last forever. When we ended things on that bench in the house, I thought I was going to do it that night. I thought 'finally, he knows I love him, I can do it. I can leave this world.' But then as you were leaving I thought to myself maybe this isn't the end of us. Maybe…". I glance up. I didn't realize how long I had been looking at his hands until I feel it fall on my hand. I let go of his hands and touch my cheek. It's not me. It's him. He's crying. Not bawling like an infant does. But weeping, silently, to himself. I go to touch his cheek to wipe it away. He grabs my hand in his and kisses it. "Callie…" He whispers. I put my other hand on his cheek, wiping away the rest of his tears.

"No, I need to finish. Please let me finish." Great now I'm crying now. "I know now, that since you know about it, nothing will ever be the same. Not our love, not family dinners, and not our kisses. You will always know. You will always be worried something will trigger me and I'll start again. I can't have that over me. Your constant worry. I'm sorry you know. It's not your burden to bare."

I sigh. I'm glad I got that off my chest. He need to know how I felt. Now that he knows I can finally rest. "Callie, I do want us to be together whether it is right now or in 6 months or 3 years. I know that it will happen because ,for me, we are endgame. I want you to be healthy. I know that if we were to get back together, like you said I would always be worried. But Callie, I'm worried now. I will be worried when I see you at breakfast and I'll be worried when I see you coming out of the bathroom. I am always going to be worried because I know. But Callie, I know and there is nothing I can do from unknowing it. I can wish you didn't do it but I can never not unknow that you do it. Callie I love you. I will always love you. No matter how far away we are from each other, whether it be right across the hall or across town." He puts his forehead on my forehead and I start to cry. I can't handle all these things he is saying to me. But he is right, I need to get better. It's hard for me to accept that but I do. I pull away from him.

I hear a beep come from his watch. "It's 3." He says. Oh man, I need to get some sleep. "Okay, well I am going to go to bed then." I say. I start to grab my bag and he brings me into a hug. "Everything we talked about tonight will never leave this bathroom. I love you and I want you to be safe Callie but I want you to do the right thing. Please really listen to everything I said tonight just like I did with you. I will never forget the things you have told me tonight Callie. I love you." With that last 'I love you' he reaches up and kisses my forehead and exits the bathroom. Grabbing my stuff, I am sure to be careful closing the bathroom door. I sit down on my bed pulling out my phone. Yep, it's 3:07 am. Well, my eyes are going to be puffy from all this crying in the morning. I don't want to think any longer. I hear Mariana roll over and let out a soft snore. I get deep into the covers and close my eyes. Dreams take me away.


	7. Chapter 7

I hear a buzzing sound. Its my phone, I think. Yep, I roll over and look at it. It reads 6:46. Oh shit. I am late. I rush to get up almost getting dizzy. I open the bathroom door. It's empty. I don't understand. Normally I am one of the first people up so I don't really run into anyone. It's still weird. I go back to the room and grab my phone to play some music while I take a shower. I reach over and turn on the water. Cold or Warm today Callie? I ask myself. Cold it is. Wakes me up. I unlock my phone. Find my music and click Sam Smith. God that album is like heaven. I start with Like I Can. I remove all of my clothes. When I get to my shorts I must have blocked out last night because I almost forgot I have some new ones. I rip my shorts off. Damn, I brushed one of them, that fucking hurt. I run my hand under the water. Freezing. I step in, turning towards the shower head. The water trickles down my body and hits them. I gasp. That stung more than usual.

I hurry up and take a shower. Getting out just as Lay Me Down comes on. Damn that's my favorite song. I dry off and walk into my room with only a towel around my body. Mariana has three different outfits laying down on the bed. "Which one makes me look like I know what I'm talking about?" She asks still looking at the bed. "Oh, is your presentation in speech today?" I say. I remember her saying something about it quite some time ago but I couldn't remember for sure if it was today. "Yeah, I'm kinda nervous actually." She admits. Mariana rarely ever admits things like this to me. "Don't be. You are going to be great. I always here you rehearsing over there. You will knock them off their feet with that presentation." I say reassuring. She smiles, going back to looking at the bed. "But I would go with the one on the left." I admit. "Ya, think?" She glances, swaying her hips a little. I just nod.

I go to my dresser and pick out a big shirt. I'm not completely sure where I got it from but it looks a little faded so I must've had it forever. I grab that and put on some plain black leggings. Ugh so comfortable. I throw on some vans and dry my hair. Good heavens it's so curly. I apply some eyeliner and mascara to cover up some of the puffiness of my eyes, from crying last night. I turn around to see Mariana dressed and looking very professional if I do say so. Me on the other hand, I look down at my outfit. Ugh I'm me and I can't change now. I walk in silence out of the room and walk downstairs to the kitchen. Everyone is down there except for Mariana, Brandon and I. Lena glances up and looks at me saying "Good morning sweetheart. There is pancakes and fresh coffee for you." I smile, still trying to wake up, after all it is 7:20 in the morning. I go to the cabinet and grab a coffee mug. I am walking over to the coffee pot when he comes down the stairs.

Ugh, I wish I could have him. The conversation of last night comes to mind. All I can hear him say is "I can't have you keep hurting yourself. I love you." I don't deserve him. He needs someone stable. I am not that person for him. I can never be. I pour my coffee. He sits his bag down on the counter off to the side. Everyone is too absorbed into the food and Jesus's wresting schedule to see him walk over to me. He is grabbing a banana in the bowl next to the coffee pot. He whispers "You know that's my shirt. I don't know how you got it. It must've ended up in your room but accident. I don't want to sound rude here but you might want to go take it off before someone notices." He pauses "Or maybe you want them to notice?"

I almost choke on my coffee. All eyes are on Brandon and I. I start to laugh and a smile is smeared across my face. Lena says "What's so funny?" Oh shit, now I have to come up with a joke. "Oh, Brandon finished telling me this joke about an eggplant and a penguin. I don't know, I thought it was kinda funny." I say. Lena and Stef nod and everybody goes back to their food. I raise an eyebrow at Brandon. How did I not notice this shirt was his? It was definitely a mistake to wear it. But if I go upstairs now and change everyone will wonder why. I look down at my coffee mug.

As if it was second nature, I 'accidentally' spill it on the long-sleeve left arm of the shirt. Oh shit that's fucking hot! No, shit Callie. Are you fucking retarded? I scream. All eyes are once again on me. Lena and Jude rush to my side. All I can do is try to not cry. He's seen me cry too many times. Then the questions come. "Are you okay?" "Callie, how bad does it hurt?" I can't answer. I'm numb. I'm silent. "Let's get you to the sink." Lena guides me to the sink and runs ice cold water on my arm. She rolls up the sleeve to were the spill stops. "Woo, okay it's not bad. But Callie you need to be careful. I will get you an ice pack ready. Why don't you go upstairs and change." I nod and walk upstairs. I get to the room and sit down on the bed I call my own. I hear him say "I will go check on her. She may not be saying anything to you, but I think she will talk to me." "Okay B." Stef says. I hear his feet on the floorboards. How old is this house? Is it fairly new? The floor is so noisy so it mustn't be that new. Dammit Callie focus. He knocks and enters. Boundaries much? For Christ sake I could've been changing. But I guess he now knows wasn't. He walks all the way over to the end of my bed and sits down.

"Callie," He says concerned "Why did you do that? Was it because of last night? I didn't mean to provoke you with the whole shirt thing. If I did I'm sorry. I just want to get to know you. The real you. The Callie you have been hiding from me… from us, all this time." I am so furious at this point I think I am going to punch him. Provoke me? "I did this for you. So they wouldn't think anything is going on with us because it clearly isn't. I did this to save your ass. Don't say you're sorry to me. You have nothing to be sorry for, except for loving me. If that is even true. You will never know the real me. I won't let you. I wouldn't dare. I've been hiding from you guys because of this reason right here. Every time I do something like this you will always be concerned I'm doing it again. I can't have that burden of your worries." I stand up and grab a hoodie laying on my desk chair. I take off his coffee stained shirt and throw it at his face, put on my hoodie, grab my bag, and walk downstairs.

"I feel fine. Just a little tired. I guess that's why I missed my mouth and the coffee went all over me. If you guys don't mind I think I'm going to walk to school. I have a project due in a couple days and I want to make sure it's ready." I say so fast I need to catch my breath at the end. "Umm, yeah sweetie that's okay. Just make sure you text mama when you get there cause she won't be leaving for another 20 minutes. You do have your phone right?" Stef says. "Oh and here is an ice pack." She hands it to me. "If you keep it on your arm the whole walk to school your arm should feel a lot better. "Thank you. And yes I do have my phone. Bye!" I say. God I can't get out of there fast enough. Who does he think he is? Ugh, now I have to go deal with school. Yay!

I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. School is pretty crazy right now. I will try to update soon.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't even get all the way into the sidewalk when my phone goes off. I pull it out of my pocket. _Callie, I didn't mean for what I said to hurt you._ I quickly text back, _**Don't think you can hurt me that easily. **_He did hurt me, yes, but I can't let him know that. It will only make him worry more and I don't want that to be my fault. _Callie, come on I know you. Or at least, I think I do. _We already had this conversation last night. He doesn't know me, he can never know me. _**I think it is best if we spend some time apart. I can't have you worrying about me all the time. I don't need a supervisor. I'm a big girl. **_It's almost immediate that I feel my phone vibrate once more. _Yes you do! I'm sorry Callie but I can't trust you to be alone by yourself. I would never bring this up to the family because I don't want you to feel pressured but Callie, I think you need help. I love you. Please listen to what I have to say. You are a big girl but look where that has gotten you. Scars cover your thighs. You are too clever to do it on your arms. That is why you hate wearing dresses. I never understood until last night. If time apart is what you want I can't give it to you. I'm sorry but I can't. I will always worry about you. _

I stop walking. He knows how to hit all my soft spots. I hate him. NO I don't I love him. I love that boy, but I don't need him right now. I need me. I need to deal with my adoption or non-adoption I should be saying. I guess I never will really be happy. Tears are welling up in my eyes now. I can't have puffy eyes when I get to school. Everyone will know. I pinch myself. Multiple times. I am taking deep breaths and I can feel myself calm down. I look at my phone. I don't want to reply. I look at the time. I start to walk a little bit faster. I make it all the way to school just as I see Lena pulling in. "Hey hon, you left before us. What took so long?" Lie, and lie quick. "Oh, I stopped and watched the waves for a bit. Had something on my mind." She pauses and everyone gets out of the car. I see Brandon's car drive through the parking lot. I want to run over to him but I said space and I don't want anyone to see. "Wanna talk about it?" Lena pushes. I just shake my head. Thankfully the first bell goes off. And now I have school to deal with. Thank god. I like when something can get my mind off of real life. It's just easier that way.

AN: Sorry this chapter is so short. I know where I want to go in the next chapter, I just kinda needed a filler chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

I don't even focus at school today I try, but something catches my attention and won't let go. I don't really know what it is about him but I want him but I don't. I know it's wrong I know what I've said in the past couple days or hours for that matter. Maybe it's this song. Maybe it's the way he is looking at me through the book we are supposed to be reading in class. Damn those eyes. I can't explain the way he makes me feel. I feel so shitty without him, but I want him so bad right now. I want him. I want to jump across that desk and take him. I pinch myself out of my daydream. It is almost forbidden for me to even want to do anything let alone actually do it. I am just horny I guess. Some people can control their urges. Is that even the right word 'urges'? It feels like some foreign place that I've never heard of. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Am I abnormal? Well that's fucking true. I can't keep the blade off my skin for a matter of days before I'm back at it again. That is most definitely not normal. Maybe I need to see someone about my issues. I can't even begin to list them all I'm sure no one would want to sit around for an hour listening to what I have to say.

The bell wakes me up from my thoughts. I shuffle to get everything on my desk back into that old bag I've had forever. Stef insists on getting me a new one but I like the history. Everything has a story and this bag holds mine. I go to stand up and he is in my face. He body is against mine and I immediately scramble to form words. This is where I wanted to be 45 seconds ago. I'm staring at his midsection "Umm I'm sorry." "No, it was my fault I was off in lala land and not focusing on where I was walking." He says and I back up. He is staring into my eyes now and I don't ever want to look away. I still feel what I feel and I still want him. If not now I will later. No stop thinking about that. You have to focus on you. Plus he has seen your leg and nobody wants to see that again. I turn around and without realizing I sway my hips and I can hear him growl under his breath. This, this has never been our problem. He is lucky there is only one other person in this room right now so they didn't hear him.

As soon as I get past the door I turn to the left to walk home since that was the last class of the day for me. He grabs my wrist and he stops behind me. I can feel him get close to my neck. I glance around the hallway it is almost empty because it took us so long to get out of class. He whispers "This isn't the end of this." Then he lets go and turns around to go the other way like nothing happened. Holy shit. Like holy fucking shit. I can't hold out any longer. I want to jump his bones now. But then again what if he doesn't like me anymore. What if he only wants me for sex? What if he takes one more look at my thigh and reality hits him and he can't deal with how I am, with my rules? I don't want him to worry and I don't want him to hover over me. I am already worried about him telling his moms about it. And Jude. What if Jude finds out? Or what if Jude finds out I started it again with Brandon? He's already adopted so it's all good for him. I need him to be okay with my decision because if he is not I don't know if I can physically carry on. He is my everything when I have nothing. I need him.

I can't think about that. I can't think about anything. I'm only going to worry more about everything if I can't stop thinking about it. I want to focus on getting better if I can. I think I can I just think it is going to be a long process. I open the door to the front of the house. Dang, I really spaced out when I walked. That just flew by. "Hello" I announce. "In here" I think that's Jude. I walk into the kitchen and he has already started his homework. "Hey bud, how was your day?" I say. "Eh, it was alright. Nothing special." He mentions going back to his math I think. "How is your arm?" He asks as if just remembering. "Oh its fine. Still kinda hurts but I think I will be okay." I say trying to reassure him as if he's the one who is hurt. "Callie, you have to be more careful. You could've been really badly hurt. Please say you will be more careful." Goodness, he sounds like Lena and Stef. I just nod and open the fridge to get an apple juice. As I'm leaving the kitchen I hear a car door slam. Well that can't be Stef or Lena because they don't get home until way after we do. I think even two to three hours. I try not to seem like something is wrong to Jude so I quickly but quietly run up the stairs and close my bedroom door. Mariana isn't even home yet. I guess that means she has dance practice which means Jesus has wrestling practice too. For some weird coincidence they are on the same day.

I sit my bag down on the floor next to the corner of my bed. I hear a knock at the door. My head spins so fast I think I loose brain cells. I think he is just going to walk in but he doesn't. I start to walk to the door. Just be cool. Just be cool, I keep telling myself. It's just Brandon. If I'm supposed to be cool then why are my hands sweating. I reach for the door knob but then before my hand can get there I pull back. This cannot happen. I do not need this. I need stability. Oh fuck it who am I fooling. I grab the door knob and turn it. He is standing there with desperation and hunger in his eyes. His hands are on the door frame and I can feel his eyes slowly go up my body and stop at my lips. I back away from the door to let him come in. This is bad. Really bad. At least I have control of this situation. The door closes.


	10. Chapter 10 Teaser

He walks all the way into my room. He isn't even looking at me he is faced the opposite way. "Can I help you?" I say, in a way that makes me sound desperate. I don't mean to sound desperate but I need to know why he's here. I don't need the bullshit answer. I need to know what he is feeling. I need to know if he can control it. If he can control looking at me and not being able to kiss me, touch me. Something. Anything. I want an answer. He turns ever so slowly. "Yeah," he starts, "you can help me actually. You can stop looking at me like that. You can stop being back and forth. You can stop being so distracting. You can stop pretending you don't want me." He takes two steps forward. I turn around. I can't do this. I mean I can and oh god do I want to but it's not right. "Callie, take all the excuses out of your mind. Talk to me." He is still pretty far enough behind me that I don't feel his body heat until I glance over my shoulder. "No."

AN: I really need reviews. I'm not sure how the story is flowing together. This was just a teaser. I want to know if I should continue or if I should stop. This chapter won't end in any type of sex. I just think this was important to show. Let me know if I should continue with this or delete it all together.


	11. Chapter 10

He walks all the way into my room. He isn't even looking at me he is faced the opposite way. "Can I help you?" I say, in a way that makes me sound desperate. I don't mean to sound desperate but I need to know why he's here. I don't need the bullshit answer. I need to know what he is feeling. I need to know if he can control it. If he can control looking at me and not being able to kiss me, touch me. Something. Anything. I want an answer. He turns ever so slowly. "Yeah," he starts, "you can help me actually. You can stop looking at me like that. You can stop being back and forth. You can stop being so distracting. You can stop pretending you don't want me." He takes two steps forward. I turn around. I can't do this. I mean I can and oh god do I want to but it's not right. "Callie, take all the excuses out of your mind. Talk to me." He is still pretty far enough behind me that I don't feel his body heat until I glance over my shoulder. "No."

He is breathing down my neck, my back, like a wolf hunting his prey. It's quite hard to concentrate on my point I need to make when I can feel that breath. That hot sultry breath that no 17 year old should have. It's not fair. I can control myself. I know I can. But I don't want to. And then something snaps in my mind. I turn around to face him and he does that thing where he scans my body and my knees go weak when his eyes reach my eyes. I just move past him and go to the stereo and plug in my phone. I pick a random station my eyes are just scanning, not really focusing on the letters. I have so much adrenaline running through my hands, my mind, and my lips. I need to focus. I do what I always do and pinch myself and take a deep breath. I realize where I am. I'm quite enough so he doesn't know it's happening. When the music starts to play its old R&B. I sway my hips a little just trying to concentrate on my breathing. He seems to think I am doing this for him. I'm not. He moves a little and I back up.

He looks at me and I can't handle it. I start to pace. Just a little some circles. I want to run. He can tell. I can't do this. "Callie," He says," I know you want to run. It's what you do. I need you to be here with me. In this moment. I need my best friend. I need you. Please." This moment went from sensual to sensitive in 0.2 seconds when the tear falls on his chin. I am less than 4 inches from his face. "This is killing me. Not being able to comfort you because I have to pretend that this doesn't exist. I am waiting for you to be ready. I watch your movements. I make sure you're okay. I check your eyes to make sure the girl I knew when we were together is still there. You own all of my thoughts. I'm always thinking of you. I couldn't sit here and watch you be with Wyatt. I am waiting for you. I don't breathe until I know you are okay. You control all of everything that is me." He says this to me. I process it all very fast. Almost too fast to hit him with the reply I do.

"You own me! You control me! I belong to you! I want to be better for myself, for Jude. He deserves to have his sister better. You think I don't want to be okay. I do. I want to be the girl you fell in love with. I love you. I'm in love with you. You're the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on YOUR face! I can't breathe without you. I can't sleep without you. I wait for you. I watch for you. I exist for you!" I say. I'm glad I turn on the music so it may have muffled my screams. I turn away from his face. I think I hear him leave. I want to leave. I don't know what to do. I've never screamed at him. I've been an ass in the past, at times. I love that boy. I want to run. What he said earlier was right. I need to face myself. I love this man and I can't keep running. He breathes as if he was holding in his breath the moment I opened my mouth. I want to hug him but this isn't a fairytale. I would give anything to be with him one last time. To kiss those lips just once more but he is away. He is unavailable to me. Everything I said will always be true, but I don't want him to expect me to all of a sudden get better because he is back in my life. Girls like me, hell people like me aren't depressed just because we don't have the person we love the most in our life. It's something else. It's internal.

I want to hug him. I grab my phone from the stereo and unplug it just in time for me to hear the front door open. He is just standing there when I turn around. His eyes don't change, they don't even sway from mine. Brandon takes two steps towards me and leans in. I don't move. I'm frozen. Then he kiss my forehead and whispers "THIS IS NOT OVER." Stressing ever word. It's a promise, not a threat. And when open my eyes his is out of my bedroom and the door closes quietly behind him. I sit down on my bed and put in my headphones. I lay down and hear footsteps. I turn over. I wait till Mariana leaves the room, after she notices I'm asleep, to go take a shower. I get in the bathroom, locking the door, and text Brandon. **I need you.** _**Where?**_ **Bathroom.** _**Omw.**_**Who all is home?** _**Everyone.**_**Okay. Wait. 3:13.**** Tonight**. _**Okay.**_


	12. Chapter 11

I am so sorry it has taken me this long to upload but I should be back to normal soon with the holidays coming up. I hope you like it and as always please leave reviews as to what you think. I know it is short but I have some I am working on, should be up within the week, hopefully.

The time came too soon it seemed. I started to think Brandon wouldn't show. After all that has happened between us, this back and forth. I love him I really do but there is something holding me back. There is a slight knock on the door and I whisper "Come in". When he walks in he is in the old sweater that used to remind me of thanksgiving. The time when we decided to take the rest of the pumpkin pie and sit out next to the tree talking til the end of the Artic Monkeys album. I can't think of the way I looked at him that night and knew that without a doubt in my mind I loved him. I went to sleep that night with hope in my mind but with reality in my eyes. I pick up my eyes from the hem of his sweater. "Brandon I wanted to tell you that I want us to be together. I know what I said before and I know that my mind may be right in the long run telling me that I should take time for myself get myself together. I believe that I can put myself together while I am together with you. Do you believe that?" He takes a breath and then looks around the room. He does this as if he is looking for an exit. Why do I get my hopes up? He is everything to me. It's hard to focus on what I need with him here. With us being in the same room, the same house, the same school, the same everything. What if I do end up trying to make it work with the Quinns and then what? Do Brandon and I end all communications? I can't do that to someone I love. It's too difficult for me. I want to get better mentally, maybe he can help. "I do believe that. I do Callie." He says this, snapping me out of my never ending thoughts. He gave my hope. I want to kiss him but it is too soon. "Callie, I am telling you there is hope for us. But for us to be together in any sort of way in the future I need some kind of promise, some kind of proof." Proof? What kind of proof? I guess it would be to stop cutting, right? That's what he means. I do want to get better for him but I am just so nervous. What if I slip and he ends it? What then? I take a deep breath. I look up from my fumbling fingers and say "Yes, I do. I think I can. I just need your support. I need to know I can tell you anything and hope you won't get mad." I can see his eyes eager to give a response so I stop talking. "Okay Callie. I can do that. I love you. I am here for you. Anytime, any hour, where ever we are." He leans in and I rest my head on his shoulder and my arms lay softly on his low back with my fingers intertwined. I pull away from the hug, but not too soon, as to give the wrong impression. "I love you Callie." I look into his eyes, he doesn't look away from mine. "Brandon, I love you." I turn away and open the bedroom door. There is a little bit of hope in my eyes and I am trying to not let them be come with reality so I lay down and shut them. Then I hear my phone vibrate. I pick it up from the bedside table and it's a text from Brandon. It reads "I know how much you like this sweater. If you want it might magically appear in your dresser tomorrow." All I can do is reply with a ":)" because he remembered and that means everything to me right now.


	13. Chapter 12

I could hear her opening and closing dresser drawers and that's how I realized it was morning and I was late again. I sat up in my bed and hear Mariana whisper "Sorry", I sighed. It wasn't her fault I needed to thank her I was supposed to be up 15 minutes ago. "Oh, it's okay. Thanks for waking me. I would've been late." She just shrugged and turned around to the many open dresser drawers. I pick up my phone that was on the bedside table where I left it the night before. Silently I hoped to myself I would have received a 'Good Morning' text from him but I didn't. I also noticed that it was only Tuesday. It seemed like forever since that kiss. I remember the way his lips felt on mine, I remember the way the tears felt running down my cheeks, and engrained in my memory will I remember Brandon's tears gliding down his olive toned cheeks. I never wanted to see them again. I knew what they could do to me and I didn't want to have to live with the blame of being the one who made them fall. When I noticed the time I rose out of my warm bed that wasn't really mine and put it back together. I knocked on the bathroom door and didn't hear a reply. I couldn't really tell if the water was running. It seems like it always is. I open the door and stop in the doorway. I put my headphones on that where attached to the end of my cellphone and turn on some music. I proceed to enter the bathroom and close the door. The songs on my phone don't really match my mood so I am trying to change the Spotify station when out of the corner of my eye I see the shower curtain open. I turn my head to see who it is, but then immediately regret my decision when I see a naked Brandon in front of me. I am quick to turn away and cover my eyes. Pulling my headphones out of my ears I say, "I am sorry. I knocked and asked if anyone was in here and I didn't get a response." I can hear him fumbling for his words while trying to grab a towel. "No, it's my fault. I must have not heard you. Plus I didn't have the water running at the time you came in, I think, so you really could not have known." I can tell my cheeks are getting a tad warm. Not warm enough to show any signs of shyness but I have a flutter. Slowly I put my hands down from my eyes but not opening them. "Can I open my eyes?" He clears his voice as if he is asking me 'Are you asking to see me naked?', "Yeah I am leaving now. I am just grabbing my clothes." Damn I must not have seen those either. I open my eyes and his back is faced toward me, I can still see the water droplets on his back. When he goes to grab his clothes off the chair in the bathroom, I can see his sweater, that sweater in the pile. Brandon glances over his shoulder, "I guess I need to wash this huh?" I can tell his is giving me a signal that he is going to put that sweater on my bed but I remember something and quickly reply. "If it smells like you, if it smells like you cologne then it can't be too dirty." I don't want him to wash it, if he washes it then his smell will go away and I want it to smell like him, I want to smell him, I want to smell like him. With a smile I can hear in the noisiest room he leaves me with only my phone and the thought of sleeping in our sweater tonight.


End file.
